I have no idea how much I have changed and keep changing since leaving a high-paying job in software, drifting around the world, and then falling out the bottom of the money/success system. Being the one changing, I’m the least likely to know what’s going on. It moves too slowly and subtly to keep track of it. Only once in a while it hits home that “this is not how I am”, and the disconnect between self-image and lived reality comes into sharp focus.

The last few weeks have felt muffled; distant; removed. I haven’t felt fully present, and I can’t say why that might be. It’s also hard for me to say with any clarity whether or not that means anything. I might have a false perception of where my self is at. Without hard introspective work it’s difficult to know with certainty. But I have felt a little bit lost, harassed, unable to fully cope with everything, just a tiny bit constantly overwhelmed, adrift.

Not a bad thing. Just a thing that is what it is. Today I feel clearer and more able to stay calm and present with things and with myself. It’s a bit like thirst: sometimes you don’t know how badly you needed water until you take that first draught. ~~~

I want to write a little story. An amusing parallel history of some little slice of a music scene gone long years ago. A sincere but ill-timed kick at the can of relevance by someone who learned soon enough that there was music and there was business but there was no music business. Not for the likes of him, anyway.

But who, along the way from early glimmers of great talent and insight to eventual dissolution and disappearance, left a number of clues to something… out there… or in there. A gift of art whose real place in the world could not even be defined or designed at the time of its creation; works whose existence, underneath the surface of the known, nonetheless exerted a more powerful influence than the overt works of recognized worth or obvious commercial pull.

Because it is these silent toilers, the idiosyncrats, the not-taken-seriously, the unheard-ofs and never-weres of the world who create the real waves of change. These are waves that pull the water around deep below the surface, great hidden pulsations of the ocean’s mass which manifet themselves much later through endless modulation and reflection from ocean floor and outcrops, eventually burning out as froth and wave and tide. ~~~

Dmitry says:

I know roughly how long it takes to innovate: come up with the idea, convince people that it is worth trying, try it, fail a few times, eventually succeed, and then phase it in to real use. It takes decades. We do not have decades. We have already failed to innovate our way out of this.

But we have not failed to live our way out of it. Let innovation fail. Innovation is just another word for nothing left to ruin.

We may have failed, but the failure could be our greatest triumph. Only in the midst of all-fall-down can we learn the way up again. Or for the first time. Or die trying — but we’ll die anyway.

~~~

Don’t fight it, feel it. The best you can do is the best you can hope for. No more stress over what could be or (worse) what could have been.

And I want to stop viewing other people and other situations as responsible for my emotions. I need to exercise more careful oversight of my stance towards people and things. I create the reality I live in, and I can’t be hassled by things beyond my control. Stoicism.

Maybe more gratitude for the difficulties thrown in my way by these people and their sometimes inscrutable plans and actions. Yes, maybe that… eventually. ~~~

Here are a few good rules of thumb for what I want to see:

• No hierarchy
• Full participation, engagement, high stakes
• Blurring lines between ’supplier’ and ‘consumer’
• Flexibility, quick response to changing conditions
• Independence, unbeholdenness
• Reflection and feedback
• Example-setting (a different world is possible)
• Truth-telling (and no lies of omission)
• Don’t say it, do it
• Prove the naysayers not just wrong but irrelevant
• No time for critics, no agenda but thine own
• Create overwhelming joy
• Hard line against sellout and sleaze-creep, built-in safeguards
• Small, mobile, highly intelligent
• Don’t compete, innovate

~~~

I am now a mobile media lab. I have a camera and a digital recorder at all times, and am ready to gather and preserve my impressions and encounters. It’s so easy now to create a record of daily life. Or of moments of particular importance to myself or the community. Why isn’t everyone doing this?

We live in a culture of low expectations and low self-esteem. Surrounded by constant propaganda and messages which state that we are not experts, we are not qualified, we are not competent, we come to believe that we can never create works of value. We consume; others produce. We are not like them.

I am here to provide evidence against this false consciousness. We ordinary people are in fact the source of all creative opposition to a numbed and numbing vision of culture which is destructive and vulgar and frankly full of shit. And my apologies to shit, which at least has the merit of nourishing life and encouraging growth.

And all the while in perfect time the local community media scene continues to unwind and fester. There is continual reinforcement of suspicions that a cabal of community members and people associated with the bad non-profit are working in silent secrecy to come up with a plan to ’save’ the operation. That this is happening in silence and secrecy ensures that it will fail. And yet it’s not clear how to counteract something whose nature and intentions are unknowable. I don’t want to get dragged further into what will likely be painful and depressing meetings and discussions. There is no dealing with these people. And so we stand helplessly by and watch a potential community resource go to hell.

My only consolation is resistance and rhizomatic upsurgence. This will have to become a story of the old mindset which destroyed its hopes by clinging too tightly to them versus a new mindset of openness, inclusion, truth pursued at all costs, simplicity, and relevance. I’m ready to fight this one out to the end. Be warned. ~~~

A long period of immobility is turning around. Things are happening. Things are always happening, but occasionally the patterns underneath the seemingly random movements make their outlines visible and we catch a glimpse of the order which drives the world. The important thing is to stay alert and ready to ride the wave when it is at its peak. We reduce distractions and create opportunities for intuition to arise.

If only it were that easy.

Lately I feel as though I am being drawn into situations of conflict with others. I’m wary of this. I think that conflict and friction are signs of a wrong direction pursued too long. Time to turn back and try another way through. I want to be independent, and entanglements with other people’s crazy behaviour will pull me back and keep me caught up in pointless drama. Must stay silent and observe rather than act without careful forethought.

It’s hard for me to believe that some people benefit psychically by surrounding themselves with clouds of bad vibes. But it does seem to be true. In the long term this will crush the spirit and create emptiness. But it passes for excitement and the sense of being deep into the real side of life. I suppose.

It’s not for me; never was or will be. ~~~

What is the difference between audio and sonic? The former focuses on the modality of perception, whereas the latter focuses on the nature of the stimulus. Does it matter? When are we working in the audio medium, and when in the sonic? When we are more fixated on the nature of the artifact vs. its expected effect on the human audience?

Things to think about.

I’m excited to start experimenting with recording and creating sonic/audio works. I want to start a group in the community collaborating on projects of oral history, documentation, journalism, opinion, and artistic expression. I don’t know where this might or might not lead, and that’s the point. Recent experiments in community-based media have failed utterly, largely because the ones in charge of making decisions and plotting strategy were ignorant and closed-minded. They refused to sit stop an organic process which welcomed input from all comers, regardless of their ideas or reasons for showing up.

It is rumoured that these same people, having failed, are now working on version 2.0. I expect that this will be more  of the same, only less so. Each iteration of this cycle of sadness grinds a few more potential contributors down and ears out a few more pockets of good-will in the community. But how could this approach fail? After all, it is parasitic on hierarchical capitalism, dependent on closed decision-making processes, and beholden to commercial interests. How can that not succeed?

The greatest fear of people with such a limited set of hopes for their time on earth is that an idea will come along and cast a shadow over the really terrible and uninvestigated shibboleths they live by. That is intolerable. Therefore nothing ever fails; or if it does it’s always someone else’s fault, never the fault of the process or the spirit of the undertaking.

So fine. Let’s build alternative models which go right by these sad old wrecks at the side of the road. We’d offer them a ride, but they’re sure that if they press that gas pedal one more time, as if by magic the thing will start going. ~~~

In the wake of R—-’s visit, I am once again becoming drawn to the idea of a cooperative year-round food-security CSA-style of business, which will provide members with goods and services they require to become more self-reliant in their own households. The elements of this service would be:

• produce from nearby backyards;
• preserved foods (canned, dried, pickled, frozen);
• opportunities to save money on bulk purchases;
• opportunities to acquire food production/preservation skills through work parties;
• information on low-cost healthy eating, recipes, etc.
• creation of a neighbourhood network of barterers and cooperators.

The challenge is to get something like this started without working out all of the administrative details up front. But someone needs to make it happen. Enough talk. ~~~

Thank god that’s over. I’d say never again, only I know better.

One thing that came out of the long buildup and fairly quick release of the whole shebang was a re-realization that I need to get my shit together and get in on the business of providing food security to people. It’s not going to happen through not-for-profit activity; it’s not going to happen through the charitable sector; it’s not going to happen — not in the right way, anyhow — through for-profit ventures. And the spread of activity is too painfully slow because the conditions required for people to take responsibility are not present and not evenly distributed.

There needs to be a push from behind. And who can do that? Let’s see:

• someone who is relatively financially independent;
• someone who is somewhat knowledgeable about food security and able to learn;
• someone who is able-bodied and not afraid of hard work;
• someone with a high degree of commitment to community;
• someone who is honest and scrupulous.

Hmm, sounds like you’re describing someone like me. Fuck. ~~~